ONCE AGAIN IT SNEAKED UP ON ME...

From My Own Little Corner

August 11 always sneaks up on me.  I try desperately not to think about it, but I suppose it is ingrained into my psyche, and so makes itself known even when I attempt to ignore it's coming.  Today is the anniversary of the day that I gave birth to my first child, my only daughter, my sweet Jessica.  It is the day that my life changed forever, the day that I lost a large part of my innocence.   She was so beautiful.  Dark hair, violet eyes, a tiny little thing at 5 pounds 7 ounces.  Her birth was the most anticipated event of our lives.  My brother used to come over and practice being an uncle, wheeling stuffed animals around and around, through the hall, into the living room, through the bedroom and back again, in  the stroller.  From there the little stuffed animal would go into the swing, to be swung until it wound down.  We were so ready for this little child. All the hope, joy, and planning...months of it!  We went to the hospital on August 10th, full of excitement and anticipation.  It was finally time!!!  After hours of labor, my water broke and it was dark green and thick.  Not good.  Then the baby's heart rate started falling and then stopping.  After 5 hours of watching that monitor, the doctors finally decided that a C-section was necessary.  I got an epidural, and after another delay of about an hour and a half, we were off to the delivery room.  I can remember all of it with such clarity.  The doctors, the nurses, my dear hubby standing at my head on the right side, then the sound of horror in the doctor's voice at the amount of meconium, them handing our daughter to the pediatrician, asking "How long?" with the response "5".  The OB yelling at the nurses to hold me shut, and going to the warming tray, telling the pediatrician she had her own patient to deal with she couldn't be doing his job too, and them finally getting Jessica intubated.  I remember them telling the nurse to get Dan out of there, he looked like he might pass out.   I can still recall the smell of the cauterization as the doctor closed my incision.  But, what I remember the most about that day is the love I felt for that tiny little girl.  The fierce feeling that I was going to do everything I could to take care of her, no matter what, and that is exactly what we all did.   Her birth severely damaged her fragile brain...she would never grow up, she would never do any of the things that we dreamed of while I was carrying her.  She was a fighter, and she stayed with us for 4 1//2 years and while she was here, the lives she touched were changed forever .  Being her mother is one of my greatest joys!  Thank you God for sharing such an amazing gift with us!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSICA...mom and dad love you!

~Stef~

Memories-Old And New

From My Own Little Corner Well, it has been several weeks since I last posted a blog entry. In that time we have celebrated Thanksgiving and this year there is truly much to be thankful for. My mom is doing extremely well, my dad is a healthy 81 years old, my oldest son, Nathan, got married to a wonderful young woman named Nicole, my youngest son, Jacob, continues to do fantastic at college and will graduate in May, my husband and I are fat and happy, my brother and sisters and their families are all healthy and happy. We have a home, with a dry bed and food in our bellies, which is so much more than a lot of people have, and for that, we give thanks. I have friends that have lost their jobs, their homes and are in worse shape than they have ever been, but they haven't lost their faith and continue to remain thankful. It looks like Trina and her gang may move into the house across the street and I'm not sure who is more excited, she or I. Randy's "Misfits For Jesus" ministry is booming, which can be looked at in two different ways. Hallelujah, he is touching the lives of so many people. At the same time it is sad that there are so many that are homeless and in need of his services. Check out what he is doing at http://www.misfitsforjesus.com/. My sister, Sabrina, generously opened her house for all of us again this year for the Thanksgiving meal and it was scrumptious. Thanks, Bebe for all of your hard work. I will leave it to Trina to post pictures of that family gathering.

All in all, God has been VERY, VERY good to us this year and I am enormously thankful.

At this time of year I tend to get a little melancholy. One more year is past and it is time that I cannot get back. When I look at the pictures of my little boys, I can't help but be a little sad that those days are gone. The days of Santa Clause, of the excitement as they wrote their letters to the guy in red, the look on their faces when they got up on Christmas morning and saw the little elf footprints, that I had so painstakingly made from cornstarch, that led from the fireplace to the tree, the wonder in their faces as they watched the Christmas lights on all the houses as we drove home from Memaw and Pepaw's house on Christmas eve, the way saying "Santa Claus is watching you" was able to stop whatever naughty thing they were doing. I really miss those days and almost feel jealous of my friends that still have those little guys to enjoy the holidays with. But the memories are always there and now that they are grown, we have the opportunity to make new ones. A new daughter-in-law, new traditions to celebrate, and the excitement of waiting for them to come home are all new for me. I suppose that I will eventually get used to the new traditions, but for now, I miss the old days. I miss having my son right here with me. I miss the two little guys that are wearing those pilot's caps. I miss my daughter.

For those of you with little ones, cherish every moment. They will grow up fast enough and then you will look back and wonder where the time went. I know I do.