ONCE AGAIN IT SNEAKED UP ON ME...

From My Own Little Corner

August 11 always sneaks up on me.  I try desperately not to think about it, but I suppose it is ingrained into my psyche, and so makes itself known even when I attempt to ignore it's coming.  Today is the anniversary of the day that I gave birth to my first child, my only daughter, my sweet Jessica.  It is the day that my life changed forever, the day that I lost a large part of my innocence.   She was so beautiful.  Dark hair, violet eyes, a tiny little thing at 5 pounds 7 ounces.  Her birth was the most anticipated event of our lives.  My brother used to come over and practice being an uncle, wheeling stuffed animals around and around, through the hall, into the living room, through the bedroom and back again, in  the stroller.  From there the little stuffed animal would go into the swing, to be swung until it wound down.  We were so ready for this little child. All the hope, joy, and planning...months of it!  We went to the hospital on August 10th, full of excitement and anticipation.  It was finally time!!!  After hours of labor, my water broke and it was dark green and thick.  Not good.  Then the baby's heart rate started falling and then stopping.  After 5 hours of watching that monitor, the doctors finally decided that a C-section was necessary.  I got an epidural, and after another delay of about an hour and a half, we were off to the delivery room.  I can remember all of it with such clarity.  The doctors, the nurses, my dear hubby standing at my head on the right side, then the sound of horror in the doctor's voice at the amount of meconium, them handing our daughter to the pediatrician, asking "How long?" with the response "5".  The OB yelling at the nurses to hold me shut, and going to the warming tray, telling the pediatrician she had her own patient to deal with she couldn't be doing his job too, and them finally getting Jessica intubated.  I remember them telling the nurse to get Dan out of there, he looked like he might pass out.   I can still recall the smell of the cauterization as the doctor closed my incision.  But, what I remember the most about that day is the love I felt for that tiny little girl.  The fierce feeling that I was going to do everything I could to take care of her, no matter what, and that is exactly what we all did.   Her birth severely damaged her fragile brain...she would never grow up, she would never do any of the things that we dreamed of while I was carrying her.  She was a fighter, and she stayed with us for 4 1//2 years and while she was here, the lives she touched were changed forever .  Being her mother is one of my greatest joys!  Thank you God for sharing such an amazing gift with us!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSICA...mom and dad love you!

~Stef~